Quiet house. Dark house. Empty house. Broken house. Impending storms both within myself and out in the humid, rain-smelling, Wisconsin evening. I sprawl on the couch un-showered, uncaring, unmoving; still as the night surrounding me.
The upstairs closet is painfully empty. His dresser drawers still barren even six months after our divorce. I won't accept. I won't move on. I won't believe that this is my "normal" life. My desperate heart cries out to God in silent screams that run perpetually through my chaotic mind.
How did this happen?
Why me?
What can I do to fix this?
Who am I God?
Help me, please help me.
My tears literally soak my couch Lord, how long will you turn your back on me?
How long Lord?
Bright flashes. Night lightning. Silent, heat lightning. Creepy-thunder-less lightning literally begins to reign down from the ink-black sky. The absolute darkness becomes absolute light as I suddenly rise from my station on the couch, tiptoe outside, and stand in bare feet on my warm driveway.
He has brought me out to see His glory. His light in the endless darkness. His blinding presence in moments of unending despair, denial, and dejection.
I squeeze my eyes shut and stubbornly fight the Holy Spirit's comfort that I have begged so long for. I attempt to swat away the whisper of God's voice speaking truth directly into my soul like a mosquito sneaking into my ear. I want to be sad and depressed, but God persists and says, listen Amy:
Psalm 139:11-12- If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
I open my eyes and see my neighborhood lit up- bright as day- the way that God sees me. Through the darkness of my soul- through the pain and bitter agony- He sees Himself still living in me. My circumstances cannot extinguish His well-placed light inside of me.
Slow tears trickle down and land at my feet as I gaze up to witness God's display of light. The tangible showing of His power, His glory, His identity as Lord over all.
As the rain moves in and falls gently and warmly around me, I remember the next verses of Psalm 139:13-18-
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.
God knew I would be here. A divorced pastor's wife. Alone. Afraid. Uncertain future. Uncertain present.
But with a KNOWN GOD.
A God of pure light.
A God of pure love.
A God who will never leave.
A God who has known me longer, and more deeply than any earthly person.
A God who knows every single moment of every single day- past, present, and future.
This unplanned life is daunting. It is so scary and so overwhelming and so unwanted that I am tempted to throw the covers over my head and never come out. I'm terrified that I'll make more mistakes and ruin my life all over again. I'm petrified that my life will continue to take turns that I do not want, and cannot predict. I'm walking blind now. None of my best-laid plans have worked out.
I did everything right. Went to Bible college. Married a Bible major. Operated as the meek and compliant youth pastor's wife. Led Bible studies. Prayed. Loved God.
And now my path feels hidden. Dark. Unknown. I stumble along from day to day feeling untethered and ready to float away at any moment. But that blinding light is undeniable. Unavoidable.
THE Light travels alongside me. Leading. Guiding. Encouraging. Loving. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I take little steps of faith each day; leaning on His promises, character, and people He brought to help me.
Here in 2017 it's been five years since my divorce and God keeps right on leading me. He leads all of His children; regardless of our circumstances. His gentle hand rests on our shoulder. His loving embrace when we feel lost. His promises to be ever-present and endlessly good overwhelm me.
I'm overjoyed to walk confidently knowing that what blinds us is His eternal light leading towards our eternal home where His glory will shine forevermore.
1 John 1:5-7- This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
Linking up today with: #livefreethursday
Click here to read more stories of walking blindly in faith towards a loving God!